How to Write a Cryptic Crossword

Hmmm.

Tough one.

I’d start thinking like a setter, if I were you.

For example, if I were you, immediately, as I write, suggests a possible letter replacement. BIG would be BUG, if I were you.

Do you really want to be thinking like this? If so, read on, and take notes. If not, read on, and thank your lucky stars you haven’t got the big… I mean, bug.

Dinner parties will never be the same. Even as I pen the word ‘parties’ I think ‘anagram of ‘traipse’. Or of ‘pirates’. Or of ‘piaster/piastre’ (Pause) – I think there are others.

Even the word ‘pause’ leads me to a homophone of ‘paws’.

Which is ‘swap’ backwards.

That was step one: think like a crossword setter. See patterns (anagram of ‘transept’) in everything.

Step two: Win the lottery. Pick the correct six numbers. I’d go for 1, 8, 15, 16, 28 and 34, but I’ve been wrong before. You will need at least 5 balls and the bonus ball in order to be able to put the time aside to practise crossword setting.

Step three: lock yourself in a cupboard for a year, with a pen, a pad, and basic nutrients. Start writing clues. A tip would be, when you think you’re good, you’re probably still average. Keep practising until you consider yourself to be the best in the world. Balance your thoughts with your ego, and be realistic.

Step four: get a proper job. Really, I would.

Best wishes,

John (Paul)